Love Interrogation Part 3: Ready. Set. Date!

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Those of you who have read past Living PowerLife blog posts know that toward the end of 2012, I decided to date again after several years. When I made this decision, I also made the commitment to use my Living PowerLife approach as a guide to deciding when and who to date. At the same time, I started the process of identifying some of the attributes that make me attractive. Consequently, this post covers more things to consider while making conscious choices about dating.


Once I took the time to heal and reclaim myself, recognizing that I was ready to reach out to new people was the logical next step. At first, my goal was to meet people, have fun and possibly start a few friendships. This is when I started taking tango lessons, singing with a chorus, and attending social events that looked interesting. 

Moving from meeting a few potential friends and deciding who to date, however, was more complicated. Even further, identifying some of my attributes that someone would find attractive was a new challenge that I took on with trepidation. I was challenged in new ways because of several reasons. Perhaps you will identify with some or all of the following.

1. I had never really taken the time to think about the kind of person—beyond the superficial— I wanted in my life as a lover/partner/spouse.
2. Because I had no concrete idea of who would be a good match for me, most of my adult life was spent recovering from break-ups rather than building a life with someone based on love, passion, compatibility, respect and trust.
3. I had little awareness of what made me a good lover/partner/spouse for another.
4. Because I had little understanding of what made me a good match for someone, my ability to make informed choices regarding dating was limited even more.

Start the way you want to end. Not wanting to simply recreate another version of my past with someone new meant that preparing to date again included following my mother’s advice. Growing up as a kid in Detroit, I have many memories of my mother advising me on how to have good relationships with people. She often told me that the best way to start a friendship is to begin the relationship the way I wanted to continue. 

I understood her to mean that I should start my relationships the way I wanted them to continue once the freshness was gone. With her words in mind, I began my search for more insight on dating by starting where I wanted to be. In other words, I began by defining the type of person and life I ultimately wanted. I did this in three layers:


First layer: I claimed my non-negotiable, unalterable terms (NUTs). During my daily reading, I ran across this acronym. NUTs are made up of the things that I either absolutely need to have, or absolutely cannot have in life to be happy. They are my personal code of ethics, creature comfort needs, culture, attitudes and basic beliefs. An example of one small creature comfort that I included here is that I need live plants in my home.


Second layer: informed by my NUTs, I completed this statement—the person I find attractive will… Here, I included concerns about type of lifestyle, day to day responsibilities, personal attitudes/beliefs, expectations, level of intimacy, etc. Here’s one way that I completed the statement. The person I find attractive will value honesty as much as I do.


Third layer: along with identifying my NUTs and the attributes of my ideal mate, I made a list of the things about me that I think are attractive to others. In other words, what makes me a compatible companion? One example from my list is that I strive to be honest with myself so that I can be honest with others.


You may wonder why it is important to consciously list the attributes that make you a good match for someone. There are several but the main reason is to gain useful information. With a basic understanding of what another would find charming about you, the information you have can be used while deciding when to date or keep dating a particular person.


For instance, while I do not have anything against one night stands or casual sex between consenting adults, this is not something that I want. Consequently, I would not consider myself attractive or a good date match for someone who wants to hook up. At the same time, I would be a good match for a person who wants a long-term, monogamous relationship ultimately.


In time, your lists will become more and more important as you make decisions about whether to date, start a friendship, or continue to date a particular person. Indeed, using your lists may even save you from heartache in the future. Just keep in mind to:

1. Remember who you are.
2. Accept who you are not.
3. Be authentic.
4. Have patience (with self and others).
5. Keep it classy.
6. Understand that a single life does not have to be a cursed life.
7. Do not rush yourself or another.
8. Never settle.

A WORD ABOUT HEARTACHE
If while completing your lists you find that your ex or someone you once loved keeps coming to mind, this is a sign to go back and take more time to heal from old heartaches. Also, if you realize that you keep comparing potential dates to someone from your past, you are still carrying a torch for that person. Take more time to extinguish that flame before you try to ignite another. This may include finding a good therapist. If so, you may be discouraged, but respect your process. In the long run, you will be glad because potential lovers will not be hurt by your rebound and future relationships will be stronger. 


Always remember that just a confidential email separates us. I am here for you.

From my PowerLife to yours,

Elandus  

 

2013. All rights reserved.

Love Interrogation Part 2: Friends or Lovers

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Friendship and dating are very similar to one another. They are two of many ways in which people interact with, demonstrate feelings for, and enjoy the company of one another. Both begin with some sort of attraction between two people. Yet they also have distinct differences. In addition, the meanings for friendship and dating have been expanded in recent years to include terms such as hang out, f--- buddies, hook up, or friends with benefits. This makes navigating the process of keeping friends and finding dates quite complicated. The need for individual clarity and honest communication become crucial because the risks can be anything from coming across as a socially awkward chump to losing your best friend. Never fail, there is hope. The Living PowerLife approach to happiness, well-being and clarity is as close as your computer. This means that you have a personal blueprint to gain the clarity that will help you navigate the sometimes choppy sea of human attraction.

There is no right or wrong way to understand either friendship or dating. Indeed, at first glance you may very well find that they seem more similar than different. When I first began thinking about what made friendship different from dating, I had the same challenge; I could not verbalize what made them different. This led me to take a different approach which was examining my expectations of each relationship. By looking at my expectations I could see that they changed based on whether I was with a friend or a date. From there I could see how friendship and dating differed to me. 

There are two main differences between friendship and dating. The differences are best illustrated through motivation and focus; what motivates us to engage one another, and where the majority of our attention is focused. Friendships are forged between people who are motivated to connect around a common activity—a hobby, community involvement, political agenda, cultural/social interest, etc. In other words, while there is an emotional aspect, the main motivation for a friendship is social. 

Some of the reasons why people seek friendships are to:  

1. Expand their social or professional connections.
2. Have companionship with a hobby.
3. Find support while experiencing a new challenge in life.

On the other hand, dates are initiated by people who are motivated to connect around a common need—find a life-long mate, establish a family, have consistent intimacy, etc. In other words, while dating certainly has a social aspect, the main motivation for dating is emotional. Some of the reasons why people date are to:

1. Find an exclusive partner.
2. Replace a lost lover.
3. Enjoy sexual excursions.
4. Fulfill community/family expectations.

Just like motivation, the focus for friendship differs from dating as well. Friends are mainly focused on their common interests when they are together. For instance, I enjoy dancing as a hobby and have connected with people who have the same interest. My motivation to connect with them is social and my focus is dancing. 

Dates are mainly focused on another person. While each person may have a different emotional motivation for deciding to date (one may want regular sex while the other is responding to family/friends expectation to marry) the focus is the same—a person. Time spent dating is time used to get to know another person. Maybe meet the person’s friends or family members. Learn about what the other person likes or does not like.

Another way to determine the difference between friendship and dating is through standards. Often, without even realizing, our standards for a relationship are based on whether we are friends or dating. For instance, I have more room for seemingly incompatible religious beliefs or political affiliations with my friends than with a love interest. Indeed, I often seek out friendships with people who have different political views because I find that our conversations are more interesting. With my dates, however, I would prefer someone closer to my views. I developed this preference because I have found that couples with very different religious or political views tend not to last. Since I know that dating for me is a precursor to becoming a couple (after time), dating someone with greatly opposing views does not make sense. 

As you continue your Living PowerLife Love Interrogation, think about what friendship and dating mean in your life. Consider your motivation and focus. Explore how your standards and expectations change based on the type of relationship. Think about why you change. Write down these differences as they come up. Then use the clarity you gain from consciously exploring your feelings to inform how you decide when to date and who to date.

ABOUT PASSION:

As you think about what friendship and dating mean to you, try to identify exactly how you react when you are romantically attracted to someone. This is important because once you understand how you function when your interests are romantic, you will be able to do two things. First, you will be able to recognize what you are feeling. Thereby being overcome by emotion (without making the conscious choice) will be less likely. Second, recognizing your feelings, will allow you to put them into context. Context will make managing your feelings easier.

One quick real-life example: when I am romantically attracted to someone I get STUPID. I behave stupidly—sentence structure is nonexistence, tongue grows to three times its size, brain works intermittently, ears hear what the heart wants only and eyes become blind to the very useful RED FLAGS. Because I now know this about myself, I can recognize where I am emotionally, remember the fallout from past decisions when I felt the same way, and pull back until I am once again able to think, act and feel at the same time.

2013. Al rights reserved.

From my PoweLife to yours,

Elandus

Is It Time for Your PowerLife Love Interrogation?

If you are tired of carrying the mental, physical, and spiritual baggage that is keeping you from happiness, and peace this is where you belong.

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to get started.

This year started with me making the decision to open my life to the possibility of dating. I made my decision without having any particular person in mind; I simply knew it was time for me to get back into the social scene. Consequently, I have made the choice to date and to apply what I know from following the Living PowerLife approach to health, well-being, and happiness to my new adventure.

In retrospect, part of coming to the point in my life when I could make the conscious choice to date involved refraining from dating indefinitely. For several years after leaving my long-term relationship, I resisted the temptation to look for a replacement for what I thought I had lost. Not dating meant that I had to face and overcome my fears of abandonment and solitude. I had to become comfortable with my own company and be able to pursue my own interests without the companionship of others. Extrovert that I am, you have no idea how difficult this was. 

One of the benefits of becoming comfortable with solitude and my own company was realizing that I had never consciously defined the type of love relationship I wanted in my life. Instead, I had drifted from one relationship to another, making commitments that I wanted to keep but ultimately could not because we were wrongly matched from the start.

Years later and with the lessons learned from four breakups, I finally understood three major things. First, there is no such thing as love at first sight, only lust on initial impression. Second, there is no such thing as a soul mate, only people who are capable of love. Third, there is no such thing as a perfect partner, only companions in your life journey.

Determined to end the seemingly perennial cycle that began with me falling into wrongly matched courtships, which led to desperately made commitments, and then ended in failed relationships, I decided to apply the Living PowerLife approach while creating space for rightly matched people in my life. Thus, the Living PowerLife Love Interrogation was developed.  

The love interrogation is not unlike some of the exercises done when first starting the Living PowerLife approach. Consequently, reviewing the Constructing Your Living PowerLife Springboard post might be helpful at this point. Just as exploring particular questions for insight into your life in general helped to bring clarity about where to direct your focus for positive change, so does the love interrogation help to develop clarity which then leads to confidence as an adult open to love from another. 

My Living PowerLife Love Interrogation examines the social experience that I call dating. If you do not like this word, feel free to substitute another that best describes your affaires de l'amour.


LIVING POWERLIFE LOVE INTERROGATION

1. What do I mean by the word dating (or your word substitution)?
2. What is the difference between dating and friendship?
3. Why am I dating?
4. Who do I want to date?
5. What makes me a good date?
6. What undermines my appeal?
7. How can I enhance my appeal?
8. How will I choose to date a particular person rather than another?
9. Where would I be most likely to meet people I want to date?
10. How will I process rejection?

My next few posts will explore at least one love question in more detail. Today we are  starting with the first.

What do I mean by dating?

As I thought, asked other people, and read I came to the conclusion that dating can mean anything from let's explore a common interest together to let's plan to get married, and everything between. A couple dating in their 20's might have a very different understanding of the word than a couple in their 60's.

The broad range of choices makes defining your own terms imperative.Taking the time in the beginning to clear your head and your heart about what you are doing and why will help you to avoid misunderstandings or hurt feelings later. In addition, potential dates will appreciate your clarity and confidence.The following is how I responded to the first love question.

First, a date is an event that is specified. In other words, if I do not specifically ask someone out, and that person does not accept my invitation, whatever we are doing is not a date. Second, a date is how I hope to get to know someone. I see this as a time to have fun; maybe even try something new. This is when I share some of the things that I do for entertainment. This is also when I am interested in what is entertainment to my date. 

Third, I do not expect to get into deep conversations about personal history, feelings, or past relationships. In other words, while on a date, I am not going to bare my soul and I will not expect my date to either. Fourth, I believe that we have a common interest that will help keep a conversation going between us for a few hours. Fifth, when I ask someone out, I expect to pay the bill--my idea, my responsibility. This may seem old fashion today, but I prefer the word classy. It is classy to take care of the logistics for an evening that I want to experience. 

Since we are near the topic, a bit on what I mean by classy and why I am including the word here. Not too long ago, I saw a short video of Bill O'Riley's commentary on staying classy. I liked what he had to say, and the more I thought the more I remembered my father. Now, he was a classy man. 

I remembered how much I admired my dad and how secure I felt when he was around. I still miss his gracious manner and refined ways. Then I thought, there is no reason why I cannot increase the class in my life. No reason why I cannot increase my graciousness and refinement. So, in true Living PowerLife fashion, I started by defining what being classy meant to me. Here is what I have to date. My thoughts are framed in she/her language but the application is gender neutral. 

Someone is classy when she finds a way to be polite in almost every situation. Classy is respectful and calm. Classy is grateful and reserve. Classy is consistent and confident. Classy is loyal. Classy has nothing to do with money or social status. Classy is who a person is or is not.

Think about one word you would use to describe your social experience of pursuing potential (emphasis on potential) love relationships. Once you have your word, answer the questions and remain open for your answers.

 2013 All rights reserved. May not be copied, paraphrased, or reproduced without written permission.







From my PowerLife to yours,
Elandus

  

PowerLife: Dating

If you are tired of carrying the mental, physical, and spiritual baggage that is keeping you from happiness, and peace this is where you belong.

First time here? Visit my New Visitors page to get started.

My mother, may she rest in peace, always said that people should not be allowed to marry until after 40 and by then they'll have better sense. She always got laughs whenever she said this and while I always appreciated her humor, I cannot agree with her assumption; people become wiser with age. I have met many people under 40 with great wisdom and maturity. At the same time, I have met people over 40 with the maturity of a toddler. I do believe, though, that my mother was on to something. Before we can think about finding a life-long mate, we need to take the time to know who we are whether the age is 18, 82 or anything between.


My love history includes two heterosexual marriages and two same gender relationships. The shortest was my first marriage which lasted 8 months. The longest was 15 years. Through them all, I was monogamous until the end. There were things that I liked about each person, and more things that I did not like. I am not in contact with anyone from my past relationships, which gives you an idea about how they all ended--not so well. 

I share this about myself because I am now thinking about dating again, and the Living PowerLife approach has helped me prepare. While before I would mostly let relationships happen to me and then hope for the best, today I expect to be intentional and knowledgeable. Intentional about who I allow into my life and knowledgeable about the kind of people who are good for me. Before exploring dating, though, let's review.

Beginning the Living PowerLife approach to health and well-being includes taking an objective assessment of where you are, who is important to you, where your attention and energy are focused, and how you feel. To do this means that you broaden your scope to examine your relationships, living habits, and diet. This is how to gain insight into what you have expected out of life in the past. With the new insight, you then narrow your scope to focus on yourself.  Think of a spotlight, you and a stage. The spotlight is your attention and the stage holds everything/one that is important to you. 

With Living PowerLife first, widen the light so that you can see the entire stage. In this light, you look at your past and present relationships and try to understand some of what they reveal about you. Second, narrow the light so that you see only yourself.When the light is on you, past hurts, accomplishments, and the emotions behind them come forward. Both lights have information about how you really feel about yourself, and how those feelings affected the decisions you have made. The entire process ends with you knowing who you are, accepting that person, and understanding where you want to go in the future. From there you accept yourself completely and start to make new decisions about how you want to live. 

Living PowerLife involves recognizing what makes you afraid, and facing those fears. All of the work until now has been personal and involved you alone. To prepare for dating, means that it is time to widen your focus again. It is time to broaden the spotlight so that it lights up your new stage. If you are like me, your stage may be smaller with fewer people and less clutter on it. You probably feel a little anxious about meeting new people and experiencing the rejection that sometimes comes with dating. On the other hand, you should feel much more confident about what you want, where you are going, and comfortable with your own company. This is power.

One day during one of my daily reading times, I ran across an article written to help people who wanted to stop thinking about an ex. The author suggested sitting down with pen and paper and making a good riddance list--all the things you will no longer have to put up with now that your ex is gone. You make the list by completing the sentence, no more... I gave it a try. While thinking about my most recent ex, I started a list. I was surprised by how effective this little doddle was. 

Some of the items were funny, and some not so much. Some were painful to remember. Some were even a surprise because as I wrote, more came to mind. All in all, in less than 30 minutes I had listed over 60 items on my good riddance list. Then I wondered how this could work in reverse. I put together a welcome here list for when I started to date again. My welcome here list is made up of all the attributes I want people in my life to have or appreciate. For instance, a person who appreciates direct communication is an item on my welcome here list. 

Are you ready to start working on your welcome here list? Get out a pen and notebook and finish this sentence; some more... List all of the attitudes, attributes, habits, likes, interests, hobbies, and talents that you want people to increase in your life. For example, one item on my list completes the sentence this way--some more laughter. Once you have completed your list, go back and read what you have. This is where you will start to identify the kind of people you want want to date. 

Remember, date with power.

From My PowerLife to Yours,
Elandus

I especially want to thank my family as I take Living PowerLife into a new year. You have made my life richer, safer, and more loving than I could ever have imagined. Much respect.